Get Off Your High Horse: Self-Help Isn’t For Dummies

In the weeks since the tragedies at the James Ray self-help retreat in Sedona, Arizona, I’ve written pieces for The Washington Post and The Huffington Post documenting the social psychology of the self-improvement industry. It’s criminal how a motivational leader so misled people seeking personal transformation.

But when readers comment on my pieces, many seem to suggest that those who seek self-improvement are stupid, disorganized or at the end of their rope in life. Indeed, this is the conventional wisdom: That people who seek out self-help books have problems. That self-help readers are the kinds of people who watch infomercials at 3 a.m. while eating a supersized bag of Doritos. That self-help readers are unemployed, in their underwear, drooling on themselves. And because they are so pathetic, they make stupid choices like following James Ray.

Thing is, that’s not true. Self-help is about self-control, and the people who are best at personal control tend to be the affluent, educated and proactive types. And the best of self-help—the virtue- and value-based self-help literature going back more than 150 years, not the cult-like mind-control of James Ray—is geared toward just those Type-A go-getters.

As I wrote my doctoral dissertation on the self-help industry, I found that self-help books are practical advice guides for self-control. Personal change is hard—and it takes a lot of work. Sometimes it’s about controlling personal behavior, while other times it’s about controlling your social life, workplace or romantic situation, but “succeeding” at self-help means attaining fulfillment through self-control.

The people who seek self-control are the ones who value it. And researchers find that self-control is a learned skill that increases with each previous success. But here’s the kicker: Already having self-control is a large factor in gaining more of it.

So who tends to buy self-help books and attend self-help seminars? Those with enough self-control and success to value it—and want even more. Here’s why:

Self-Efficacy: There’s a difference between feeling good about yourself (self-esteem) and feeling proud of successful changes you’ve made in your life (self-efficacy). People who believe they can change are more likely to be able to actually do so, and they will also be happier people, researchers find. And unless you think your goals can be achieved, what’s the point in trying? Self-help readers have a high sense of self-efficacy.

Demographics: Middle-aged, educated, affluent people have the self-efficacy, the social support system, and also the resources to change their behavior. Midlife is a time where people are most in control of various spheres of their life – family, career, financial – so they are free to seek control in other aspects of their lives. (For more on this, see O’Donoghue and Rabin’s contribution on “Self-Awareness and Self-Control” in Time and Decision: Economic and Psychological Perspectives on Intertemporal Choice)

But education and affluence are crucial to self-control: Those who are in an extremely powerless status are more likely to be unhappy and feel directed by forces outside their control. Inversely, people who are equipped with a sense of power and self-efficacy are less likely to feel overwhelmed, even in situations of high demand.

Indeed, studies repeatedly find that children from poorer homes do worse on delayed gratification tests than children from middle-class homes, perhaps because of a less predictable environment among the less well-off, where one thinks in the short term because the long term is too up-in-the-air.

Either you got it, or you don’t: And if that class statement isn’t depressing enough, one of the most frustrating elements of self-control research is that people who demonstrate self-control skills are more likely to be self-controlled in the future. Either you have self-control or you don’t: First, self-controlled behavior builds on previous patterns of behavior, and second, those who have self-control are more likely to value it and seek to increase their abilities. Just as an inability to control one’s life can lead to anxiety and depression, so too does a belief in one’s ability to master events foster an optimistic outlook on the future.

This isn’t to say that self-control can’t be learned, but simply that by the time one reaches adulthood, some people have more and some people have less.  Self-help readers tend to be self-controlled people—who want more of it. Commitment to self-control requires cognitive and economic resources, and those who already have some of these resources are more likely to continue with a future commitment–be it through a purchase of a self-help book, joining a group or another level of commitment strategy.

So next time you knock self-help readers as silly or beneath you, think again. If you’re so self-controlled and successful, maybe you might consider some quality self-improvement, too.

James Ray: Harnessing the Power of Psychology & Spirituality

What happened in Sedona is not an unfortunate coda to a crazy, fringe event. We have a long history of self-help in America, and to properly comprehend the horror of these deaths, we must first understand the inspiration and guidance that Ray offered. Ray, and many gurus like him, motivate thousands of smart, accomplished adults by borrowing from two very powerful thought traditions — modern psychology and esoteric spirituality — creating a one-two punch that’s nearly impossible to resist. If you had been there, you might be dead, too.

Check out my piece in Sunday’s Washington Post Outlook section–explaining the history and psychology of the Sedona sweat lodge. The horror of this tragedy continues to captivate us, so let’s learn an important lesson: Self-help is NOT harmless.

James Ray Death Lodge: When Will We Learn?

Two people are dead and dozens more were hospitalized Thursday after collapsing from the heat of a sweat lodge at a James Ray spiritual retreat in Sedona, Arizona.

The sweat lodge experience was the culmination of a five-day nearly $10,000 “Spiritual Warrior Event” advertised as a retreat to “accelerate the releasing of your limitations and push yourself past your self-imposed and conditioned borders.”

More than 60 participants entered a makeshift structure where hot stones created intense heat. Rituals in sweat lodges are a common Native American purification practice intended to raise the body temperature to somewhere between 102 to 106 degrees. Given the intense heat, supervision is required — and in most sweat lodges, attendance is limited to 8 to 12 people. Participants should leave when the heat becomes too intense. However, after a week of brainwashing about pushing past “self-imposed” borders, human instinct was overridden by orders from a so-called great leader.

James Ray is one of the hottest new self-help gurus – featured on Oprah, Larry King Live, and The Secret – who has only become more popular during the last year’s economic uncertainty. Ray preaches that it is only our negative attitude and negative energy that holds us back from true wealth.

This week-long event was an advanced retreat, and most of the participants had attended his wealth-building seminars before. Ironically, several of the participants lack health insurance. So now in addition to the nearly $10,000 cost of the event, the ones fortunate enough to survive will be stuck with thousands in medical expenses – that is, of course, until the lawsuits begin.

The obvious question is: Why did these men and women stay in such a hostile environment, even as their lungs burned from the heat and they felt themselves slipping into unconsciousness? Why? Because they were brainwashed into believing that those sensations were merely their culturally prescribed limitations, and that they could push on, prove that they were stronger and stick it out.

Indeed, just hours before the deaths, James Ray posted this to Twitter: ”Still in Spiritual Warrior … for anything new to live something first must die. What needs to die in you so that new life can emerge?”

We often think of self-help as harmless and silly, but the charismatic leadership that these gurus wield is a powerful psychological force. Just because a ceremony is New Age or from a native tradition doesn’t mean that it’s benign. As with all powerful experiences, training and supervision is crucial. And when a leader encourages his followers to override their own bodily signals — encourages them to give up their free will — there are terrible consequences.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christine-whelan/james-ray-death-lodge_b_315934.html

Relationship Tip of the Week: Fear Regret More than Rejection

He loves me... he loves me not...

When I was a little girl, I’d figure out whether a boy liked me by pulling the petals off a daisy one by one… “he loves me… he loves me not…” all the while paralyzed by fear and unable to actually do anything about the object of my kid-crush.

Over the years, I’ve met so many men and women who keep this Daisy Complex going well into their 20s, 30s and beyond, letting great relationships slip away.

Here’s my advice — regret is a whole lot worse than rejection. Check out my recent article on BustedHalo and get out there and go for it!

September issue of Women’s Health magazine…

I know so many of you have sleepless nights worrying about the demise of the Alpha Male… well, get your zzz’s because there’s nothing to fear: As a modern society, we’re adapting quite nicely to new gender roles. Check out my quotes in this month’s issue of Women’s Health magazine.

He saved a billion lives… do you know his name?

Quick — can you give me the latest on the divorce drama between Jon & Kate Gosselin? Or why Paula Abdul isn’t going to be judging this year’s American Idol? Odds are you can answer those questions but you can’t tell me the name of the man who died recently after saving more than a billion lives.

I’ll give you another hint: He was one of only six people ever to win the Nobel Peace Prize, the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Congressional Gold Medal.

You can probably name most of the other five recipients of this trio of honors — Martin Luther King, Jr., Elie Wiesel, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi — but odds are you’ve never heard this man’s name.

You’ve never heard of him, yet when he died he was lauded as history’s “greatest human being.” You’ve never heard of him, yet he changed your life.

Dr. Christine Whelan, Dr. Norman Borlaug and Dr. Elizabeth Whelan

Dr. Norman Borlaug, who died September 12, 2009, at the age of 95, was humble and kind, and devoted his intelligence not to getting rich himself but to transforming the lives of those who needed help the most.

We spend so much of our time focusing on the goings-on of celebrities and reality TV stars — and that’s OK; it’s only human — but occasionally it’s important to give tribute to a person who is really changing our world, quietly, with no spotlight or paparazzi documenting their journey.

Check out my whole piece–including a link to a West Wing tribute here: http://www.bustedhalo.com/features/he-saved-a-billion-lives/

“Single” Documentary: Sept. 15 release date

“Single,” an excellent documentary about single life in America, is being released in less than two weeks — and I’m one of the experts interviewed, so check it out! According to the press release, the documentary by filmmakers Richard Atkinson and Jane Scandurra is already winning awards including the Official Selection at the 2008 New York Filmmakers festival and Official Selection at the Berkshire International Film Festival and was called “…a really cool, cool documentary…” by Fox TV.

With over 100 million single adults in the U.S. – and a $1.6 trillion dollars in annual consumer spending – “Single” provides a timely and comprehensive look into what it means to be single in America and how singles regard marriage. Because today’s life is more complex, intense and demanding than ever, maintaining a lasting relationship has never been more challenging. Through thought-provoking interviews with a cast of social experts, performers and singles themselves, “Single” addresses the complexities of relationships in today’s world.

For more on the documentary (and academics, this would be a great one to use in any Family/Sociology class) visit: http://www.singlefilm.com/

SWANS® stories

Just thought I’d share bits of two emails I recently received from folks who have read Marry Smart: The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to True Love and heard my recent interviews, teleseminars and lectures.

The first email comes from Sarah, a SWANS in her early 30s, who has just finished Marry Smart: The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to True Love:

Kudos on such a well-written and successful effort!

I certainly appreciate the message that just because we are successful, suit-wearing overachievers does not necessarily mean that the man who is right for us is cut from the same cloth. It’s okay to date a musician or a blue-collar guy, as long as he appreciates us and the relationship is balanced. Some of the stories gave me the courage to swallow my pride and sign up for Match.com [and] I am meeting someone for coffee tomorrow…

I’ve passed the book along to a fellow SWANS – my best friend from college, also an attorney, and the last of my friends to still be single. Though she is the Samantha type and not at all bothered by her
status as a SWANS. (I’m the Charlotte.)

And Sarah sent me an email just yesterday telling me that her Match.com date had gone well, and the two are looking forward to a second date. I’ve asked her to keep me posted–here’s hoping for a SWANS® Success Story soon!!

The second email came from Carol, a 49-year-0ld divorce SWANS®, who wrote to me after listening to my teleseminar from a few months back:

I really enjoyed being part of the call and also to learn so much about where we are really are in the dating reality. … I shared some of the information with friends and we hosted a “Bring a Friend” party in July for 18 single people.  It went really well and hope to do more and we all had a lot of fun.

Thanks to both ladies for the kudos and emails!

Recession Romance stories

Check out my column this week on BustedHalo.com about readers survey responses and stories about love and money in the last year.

Got other stories to share?

Send them my way because I think there’s some more TV lined up for this month, and I’d love to get your stories out there.

MSNBC and SexReally.com

Summertime is heating up — and I’m getting lots of press these days shattering myths and spreading good news for SWANS®.

Just up today on MSNBC.com is a piece by Brian Alexander, author of the popular Sexploration column who argues that marriage thrives despite our evolving sex lives. “Most women tie the knot by 40, statistics show — so why all the fretting?” He quotes me several times and offers lots of good news for SWANS®! Check it out on MSNBC.com.

And Monday, Laura Sessions Stepp quoted me on her great new website SexReally.com as she challenged that often-quoted statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Check it out — and take a gander at the Sex. Really site in general.